The Ugly Truth 2

So here's another realization that's been swirling around in my head for quite some time now, but I only just recalled the way to express this ugly truth. I say recall because it's a truth that has been accurate for quite some time. However I foolishly thought that I had escaped that role.

The role of listening to everyone else's problems, dreams, lives and being that supportive cheerleader type but having no one but God to turn to for my issues. I thought that I'd gotten away from it, but really my different jobs have only allowed me to get some monetary compensation for listening to people. Yet I'm still left alone.

The Ugly Truth

Lately I’ve been considering finally accepting the ugly truth about my life…so here it is.

Romantic love and relationships are illusory, transitory, and therefore never going to be a part of my life. I’ve avoided this coming to terms with and accepting this. Perhaps it’s my innate stubbornness, my childish innocence and tendency to daydream, or something else. It has been nice to stroke my ego about waiting on someone deserving of me (after my impatience got me an unwanted child at 17, a scrub of an ex, and ruined the chance of a relationship with *him* whom I met prior to the pregnancy), but the fact is that the person probably doesn’t exist.

Now I’m not saying it’s beyond God’s power to create and present this person. I just have begun to give up considering my circumstances and my ever-increasing depression and negativity regarding my situation which only increases the odds against anything ever happening. Also I understand my situation is not a priority right now as Jah has bigger more universally important going on currently. However, by the time my situation moves off the backburner, who knows how old I’ll be (if I’m even alive) and meeting some of the items on my list will probably be even more challenging considering the women will likely still ‘be a large army’.

So I’m facing the ugly truth that I was born alone, grew up alone with few, if any, close friends, and will live until I die or otherwise more than likely in that same unaccompanied status. I welcome the insanity as I sink back into the world inside my mind that was my residence as an imaginative, lonely child. At least I know and am close to everyone who lives there, lol.

Lions and Tigers and Bears

Trying to pull an all-nighter and claim victory over my alt cert class by submitting all of my portfolio artifacts. As an aid to this goal I started listening to my music collection that I had copied to an external drive and deleted from my PC in an attempt to bring my life back into harmony with Jah's standards.

This one song by Jazmine, whew... brought back memories. I'm not afraid of much or maybe I am but I've lied to myself so much for so many years that I've actually started to believe it. Anywho, whether I'm scared of being in a relationship and being vulnerable or not should really be a non-issue at this particular point in my life as I was to be focused on rebuilding my relationship with God and my career. But I called my ex (wow that's weird referring to him as my ex now that there's no wishy-washy "were we ever really a couple" issues) because I saw his number on my caller ID...twice.

Funny that I had dialed and he had answered before I realized 'Oops I'm returning his call from my BB,' the very BB that I had the number changed on so that he couldn't call me any and everywhere that I go since my BB is like air (I can't live without it lol). Oh well!

Unfortunately, he hadn't called but had sent a text to landline message (2x) that I didn't get because I wasn't home (the whole changing the # thing to reduce his presence in my life). Sadly the news he wanted to relay wasn't good and it has me thinking about him everyday now and wanting to be able to be there for him and all sorts of other things that will upset my life.

I want to but unfortunately (like the song says) I am scared of loving him.

Ain't No Joke

Wow, so I know that you're not supposed to skip doses of prescription medication. But I've never been on anything long term before...

That said I couldn't get my Rx refilled before I would run out of pills so I skipped this weekend. I knew that the meds had started working but those two days off...; anti-depressants ain't no joke.

I guess it's all good though. I'm still here...

Tell Me (a letter to *him*)

Tell Me

Please
Say what I need to hear
Tell me you don’t love me
That it was all a lie
That you never want to see me
Ever again
That you’ve gotten what you wanted
And now you’re done with me
That the game was played and I lost
Even if none of it’s true
I need to hear it from you

Tell me that you never felt anything for me
And make me believe it
So I can stop dreaming of you every night
Stop analyzing the ways I can make it right
The ways I messed it all up

Remind me of how you had an encounter with your ex
Tell me that it wasn’t a mistake
Wasn’t stupid
Meant the world to you
Tell me she’s everything you need
That I could never be

Don't tell me you love me
Don't point out the reasons why
Stop saying all of those beautifully sweet things
Words I didn't even realize I longed to hear
Breaking down
The walls around my heart
My tough persona

Tell me I’m too cold, too shallow
Not pretty, not well-groomed enough
Call me a “G” but without the joking nature
Or say what that previous cat said
What was it again?
‘You don’t know how to comfort your man’
Or something to that effect
Tell me these things and make me believe it
Help me re-box my feelings
By hurting them if necessary
(I think it’s necessary)
Whatever the case is
Please
Just tell me

Anxious & 'Faint out of fear'

This merry-go-round has been spinning faster latley; hence the absence from posting (not that ne1's reading @ the moment). I find myself becoming overly anxious as the day of my final interview draws near.
As I see my chances of making this momentous change of direction slip away I find myself realizing that I really can't imagine doing anything else now. I actually want to teach and find myself thinking about it randomly throughout the day. I can't think of another career that will have a schedule so well suited to my plans of being an AP during the summer and going to seldom worked territory with my daughter. What other job will in 5 yrs earn me a clean slate from student loans and save me money in summer childcare costs? I keep taking it to Him but wonder if preparing a backup would be considered a lack of faith. That and the time constraints facing me to get a backup are another source of anxiety. The good thing is the interview is tomorrow so I know this part of the ride will be behind me soon.