Trying to pull an all-nighter and claim victory over my alt cert class by submitting all of my portfolio artifacts. As an aid to this goal I started listening to my music collection that I had copied to an external drive and deleted from my PC in an attempt to bring my life back into harmony with Jah's standards.
This one song by Jazmine, whew... brought back memories. I'm not afraid of much or maybe I am but I've lied to myself so much for so many years that I've actually started to believe it. Anywho, whether I'm scared of being in a relationship and being vulnerable or not should really be a non-issue at this particular point in my life as I was to be focused on rebuilding my relationship with God and my career. But I called my ex (wow that's weird referring to him as my ex now that there's no wishy-washy "were we ever really a couple" issues) because I saw his number on my caller ID...twice.
Funny that I had dialed and he had answered before I realized 'Oops I'm returning his call from my BB,' the very BB that I had the number changed on so that he couldn't call me any and everywhere that I go since my BB is like air (I can't live without it lol). Oh well!
Unfortunately, he hadn't called but had sent a text to landline message (2x) that I didn't get because I wasn't home (the whole changing the # thing to reduce his presence in my life). Sadly the news he wanted to relay wasn't good and it has me thinking about him everyday now and wanting to be able to be there for him and all sorts of other things that will upset my life.
I want to but unfortunately (like the song says) I am scared of loving him.
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