Romantic love and relationships are illusory, transitory, and therefore never going to be a part of my life. I’ve avoided this coming to terms with and accepting this. Perhaps it’s my innate stubbornness, my childish innocence and tendency to daydream, or something else. It has been nice to stroke my ego about waiting on someone deserving of me (after my impatience got me an unwanted child at 17, a scrub of an ex, and ruined the chance of a relationship with *him* whom I met prior to the pregnancy), but the fact is that the person probably doesn’t exist.
Now I’m not saying it’s beyond God’s power to create and present this person. I just have begun to give up considering my circumstances and my ever-increasing depression and negativity regarding my situation which only increases the odds against anything ever happening. Also I understand my situation is not a priority right now as Jah has bigger more universally important going on currently. However, by the time my situation moves off the backburner, who knows how old I’ll be (if I’m even alive) and meeting some of the items on my list will probably be even more challenging considering the women will likely still ‘be a large army’.
So I’m facing the ugly truth that I was born alone, grew up alone with few, if any, close friends, and will live until I die or otherwise more than likely in that same unaccompanied status. I welcome the insanity as I sink back into the world inside my mind that was my residence as an imaginative, lonely child. At least I know and am close to everyone who lives there, lol.
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