SAD

i want to go home. at least there my physical comfort relieves some of the misery of being alone and slowly resigning myself to the fact that i always will be. i wish jah had not designed us to have even the slightest desire for other people's company then it would be easier to overlook these intrusive and destructive feelings all the time. i'm stuck, like i've always been, and will always be...

Thank you Erica!

So yes the previous post makes it sound like I don't have any friends. At one time I did but we just don't talk much anymore; by talk I mean actually talk, hearing the sound of another human's voice not typing them via Facebook or some instant messenger service.

Well last week a friend I've known since 1996 sent me an email via Facebook offering a business opportunity. While I'm interested in the business side of it, I found that it might be helpful in changing some of my "ugly truths" if I use the program and it works. The nice part is that we actually picked up the phone and talked to one another which hadn't happened since she moved away (which is a recurring issue with the friends I make) in 2000.

This is day 2 of the program and I'm still realistic with my expectations. I may post some things here while I use the program, but when I decide to move up to the level of promoting it check out my other blog: E-ClassVentures.blogspot.com

Please excuse the mess on that blog - I'm redesigning for next year.

The Ugly Truth 2

So here's another realization that's been swirling around in my head for quite some time now, but I only just recalled the way to express this ugly truth. I say recall because it's a truth that has been accurate for quite some time. However I foolishly thought that I had escaped that role.

The role of listening to everyone else's problems, dreams, lives and being that supportive cheerleader type but having no one but God to turn to for my issues. I thought that I'd gotten away from it, but really my different jobs have only allowed me to get some monetary compensation for listening to people. Yet I'm still left alone.

The Ugly Truth

Lately I’ve been considering finally accepting the ugly truth about my life…so here it is.

Romantic love and relationships are illusory, transitory, and therefore never going to be a part of my life. I’ve avoided this coming to terms with and accepting this. Perhaps it’s my innate stubbornness, my childish innocence and tendency to daydream, or something else. It has been nice to stroke my ego about waiting on someone deserving of me (after my impatience got me an unwanted child at 17, a scrub of an ex, and ruined the chance of a relationship with *him* whom I met prior to the pregnancy), but the fact is that the person probably doesn’t exist.

Now I’m not saying it’s beyond God’s power to create and present this person. I just have begun to give up considering my circumstances and my ever-increasing depression and negativity regarding my situation which only increases the odds against anything ever happening. Also I understand my situation is not a priority right now as Jah has bigger more universally important going on currently. However, by the time my situation moves off the backburner, who knows how old I’ll be (if I’m even alive) and meeting some of the items on my list will probably be even more challenging considering the women will likely still ‘be a large army’.

So I’m facing the ugly truth that I was born alone, grew up alone with few, if any, close friends, and will live until I die or otherwise more than likely in that same unaccompanied status. I welcome the insanity as I sink back into the world inside my mind that was my residence as an imaginative, lonely child. At least I know and am close to everyone who lives there, lol.

Speaking of *him*

It took two listens when it first came out for this song to really hit me how deep and appropriate it would've been in 2009 with *him*, lol.

Enjoy!

2011 Goals Revisited

It's getting close to the end of the year & I've been in a piss-poor mood a lot lately. Have mainly placed it on the nine more years to my sentence and the fact that I'll be far older than I want to be when I finally get the chance to live, as opposed to simply surviving. Even though I haven't checked out this blog or looked at the goals I posted in December, I've thought about posting often and finally got around to it today. So let's see where am I and try to figure out why I'm...whatever I am.

• Auxiliary pioneer at least one month
  Haven't done this yet officially but came close to the reduced hours. Odd I was supposed to try to reach 30 hours this month but became disheartened after a lackluster showing for early morning witnessing at the beginning of the month.

• Pay off my one remaining credit card balance
  This goal will officially be met by February 2011. Had I not been transferred from the Title I turnaround high school that I'd finally began to feel comfortable at, this goal would have been met exactly at the end of the year. But I'm not complaining, because two months isn't so far past schedule.
  

• Meet the man Jah has for me and at least get engaged (engaged? - yes because there's no point in setting my goals low). Also let's be specific: must love Jah more than me and encourage me to do likewise, makes more $ than me (I'm just saying this guy is older than me so there's no reason he shouldn't make at least 40K a year - that's not greedy/materialistic!)
  This is the source of my grumpiness and general malcontent. I still love *him* but can't have *him*.
  I tried finding someone else using a site; it doesn't work for me. Met a creep (not face to face), Africans (call me whatever you want, but I don't want anything directly from that continent because I have the feeling they're looking for a green card), and a guy that I talked to for a while.
  "MR" was nice, employed, encouraged me spiritually, is an elder, made money, was looking to buy a house, and unfortunately I suspect outside of my age range and looking for the mother of his future children. After the one I made the mistake of conceiving, I don't intend to repeat that mistake. Also there was no spark and a lot of the time I got the feeling he had been sent to convince me that the JW dating scene is hopeless...at least for me anyways because I refuse to settle.
  So I'm not engaged and not even close. Every now and then I hear from *him* and he still thinks of me. Which compounded with other people getting engaged & married this year, intrusive individuals making comments about my personal life, and the barrage of other ineligible guys flirting only makes me pray & wish more fervently that I could have him now...

• Stick to my weekly home upkeep routine (it's gotta be nice to rent out once I get engaged and start moving out, lol)
  Well this one is going well except for the nasty neighbor's pest problem temporarily becoming mine & another neighbor's problem and the child's destructive and disobedient impact. I'm cautiously optimistic for more home improvements next year to increase the rental value.
  

• Look like "that chick" everyday (get back to taking care of me like I want to: monthly facials, mani & pedi on the regular, and the hair we can't forget about the hair, lol)
  I must have been doing this because people have been noticing (see the goal on getting engaged) even my students at the new high school keep mentioning how clear my skin is or how I rock my natural hair. The mani & pedi part haven't been so regular though.
  

• Improve the quality of service I provide my customers
  You'd have to ask my customers about this one although I'm considering dropping the Avon line since they've made it harder to make money.

• Renew my cosmetology license
  Haven't done...
  
  
• Start working towards National Board Certification as a teacher
  Haven't started...
  
  
• Write - I must write whether it be on either of my blogs, poetry, songs, a novel or short story...I have to write
  LOL I've been writing more lesson plans than anything. Writing shopping and to-do lists doesn't count, does it?
  
  
• Make sure I study with the asp regularly (this is a really hard one!)
  Hasn't been regular, but it has been happening.
  
  
• Create a circle of true friends, people who I can count on to be there for me because they know I'm there for them and ditch the faux friends be they on FB or in real life who do nothing but the occasional "Hi, how are you?" and then ignore you and show so much interest in someone else while still in your company (or worse yet riding in your car...yes I'm talking about an actual incident)
  Well I have reconnected with my friends and cut off a couple of relatives who sought to censor my Facebook post meant for my friends to know that I lost someone close to me over their concern for their spoiled brat of a daughter who is not even a friend of mine. I spent time over the summer with them which unfortunately makes being isolated in Jacksonville with faux friends even more depressing. Yet I'm eagerly planning my next escapes and my permanent removal from this place that Jason Lazenberry (mini-shoutout) warned me about, lol.
  
  
• Avoid letting my depression immobilize me
  I'm off the meds and still functioning so I guess it hasn't completely immobilized me...

So I guess I didn't do so well on the list (7 out of 12 is not passing), but I'm already thinking of things for next year's list...so if you're interested check back later.

Had to Testify (to myself that is)

This week in a word, "rough"; today in a word, "terrible". A person has so annoyed me the past few days I've found myself thinking about quitting, wanting to curse, wanting to fight, longing to see this person die at Armageddon with my own eyes and the list goes on. I HATE being unable to express my anger, having to take the high road and be the truly "professional" person and not stoop to their level to put them in their place. And in this case, I think Proverbs 26:5 would be required to put this person in their place.

At any rate, after singing a somewhat appropriate 'inappropriate' song on my way to get Ashawna, talking it over with a friend, and trying to decompress, I came home and found myself still annoyed and thinking about this matter while in my shower. (SN: Not terribly strange because I do a lot of thinking in my shower now that I take them in the evenings, lol).

Upon getting out I had to testify (to myself that is), hence the title. I fully realize that I'm getting anxious over nothing. I had to take a moment to listen to my own advice, "Do you know this person? Years from now will they matter to you? So why give any weight to their words?"

Perhaps my fears were centered on possibly losing my job...

So in my mind I testified. My mother would say that this sounds "churchy" but I always admired the passion that some of those Southern churchgoers display when they talk about what 'God has done for me' yelling "God is good!" (refrain: all the time & all the time God is good.) I always missed that passion, however misguided, growing up.

But I digressed. So I had to close my eyes, place my hand on my wall & remind myself of what I have: a roof over my head that I pay for, food, power and water that I also pay for single-handedly. Well not singlehandedly, because Jah has done it all.

NO OTHER WAY a teen mom could come so far. He pulled me through all of the tragedy. He gave me this job that I prayed and blogged and then worked for. I truly believe there is NO WAY I could've gotten this job on my own. And he gave it to me despite my disobedience in reaching out for someone I knew that I could no longer have.

Then I took my hand off the wall. When it all goes away, which I know it will, it doesn't change that he's taken care of me all along and will continue to do so. He promised that whatever I ask for I shall receive. I just have to take my hand and my focus off the physical and current realities and keep it firmly interlaced with his hand.

Odd that this was the first picture to pop up when I searched for something to include in this post; almost seems like someone was helping me out again perhaps.