Tell 'Em Why You Mad

Hmm, maybe we'll start at the beginning...

I know I wasn't wanted. No biggie. They or she did what she was obligated to do like I'm doing since I sinned, then missed my abortion appointment due to lack of transportation and real friends who would support me even if they didn't agree and help me get transportation. Then there was the punk out when trying to do it at home. Don't know how drunk or high you have to be to successfully push a hanger or needle through... well you can figure it out.

Then the failed suicide attempt. Guess I only nicked the vein which is why I got light-headed from the blood loss but didn't die. Should've tried again that night on the other arm.

But I digress

Back to the beginning...

So why am I mad? Because I hate everything at this point. Don't know why I keep the other blog going. Don't know why I keep my business going. Don't know why I get out of bed ever. Pray every night not to wake up but do. Disappointing. Even took a handful of sleeping pills earlier this week. Still woke up the next day.

Don't even feel like finishing this post which I started back in July and am only typing some more on now in September...

Untitled

must stop loving you. so why don't i just do it?

too afraid i'll never love again. so i love you

even though it's unrequitted

even though it hurts sometimes

it lets me know i'm still alive

and maybe capable of doing more than simply existing

simply surviving.

reminds me of a time,

ever so briefly,

when i felt calm, at peace, safe to be me...in love.

don't like the person who claims to be me now.

what life and simply surviving for the past two decades all the while dreaming of a life that now seems it will never be lived

can't even dream anymore and feel like i need someone who remembers who i was when i did

but there isn't anyone that can

Time for Reinvention

So once again I've stuck too many irons in the fire. But I intend to rectify this. Let me back track a little...

Started my third school year teaching in August and finally had my own classroom! Worked diligently to get it organized and had a pretty good schedule going until (enter dramatic music here: da-da-DAA) I was "surplussed" an interesting little thing that happens in this disorganized huge school district of shuffling teachers around because they give parents free reign to shuffle their children from school to school on the basis of a school grade derived from a standardized test that even one of the adult legislators FAILED when he attempted it, and other measures of varying irrelevance.

Now I'm at a brand new building (literally this is the school's second year being open) and starting all over again when I'm supposed to be winding down with this teaching thing. This is a major interference with my business's growth and/or development of new career plans.

For instance, I perhaps rushed into a new business venture because I really like the service. I use it personally and would love to have time to share it with others. However, my day gig (teaching) is screwing with this. So now I feel like I have too many irons in the fire once again.

It's time for some reinvention!

SAD

i want to go home. at least there my physical comfort relieves some of the misery of being alone and slowly resigning myself to the fact that i always will be. i wish jah had not designed us to have even the slightest desire for other people's company then it would be easier to overlook these intrusive and destructive feelings all the time. i'm stuck, like i've always been, and will always be...

Thank you Erica!

So yes the previous post makes it sound like I don't have any friends. At one time I did but we just don't talk much anymore; by talk I mean actually talk, hearing the sound of another human's voice not typing them via Facebook or some instant messenger service.

Well last week a friend I've known since 1996 sent me an email via Facebook offering a business opportunity. While I'm interested in the business side of it, I found that it might be helpful in changing some of my "ugly truths" if I use the program and it works. The nice part is that we actually picked up the phone and talked to one another which hadn't happened since she moved away (which is a recurring issue with the friends I make) in 2000.

This is day 2 of the program and I'm still realistic with my expectations. I may post some things here while I use the program, but when I decide to move up to the level of promoting it check out my other blog: E-ClassVentures.blogspot.com

Please excuse the mess on that blog - I'm redesigning for next year.

The Ugly Truth 2

So here's another realization that's been swirling around in my head for quite some time now, but I only just recalled the way to express this ugly truth. I say recall because it's a truth that has been accurate for quite some time. However I foolishly thought that I had escaped that role.

The role of listening to everyone else's problems, dreams, lives and being that supportive cheerleader type but having no one but God to turn to for my issues. I thought that I'd gotten away from it, but really my different jobs have only allowed me to get some monetary compensation for listening to people. Yet I'm still left alone.

The Ugly Truth

Lately I’ve been considering finally accepting the ugly truth about my life…so here it is.

Romantic love and relationships are illusory, transitory, and therefore never going to be a part of my life. I’ve avoided this coming to terms with and accepting this. Perhaps it’s my innate stubbornness, my childish innocence and tendency to daydream, or something else. It has been nice to stroke my ego about waiting on someone deserving of me (after my impatience got me an unwanted child at 17, a scrub of an ex, and ruined the chance of a relationship with *him* whom I met prior to the pregnancy), but the fact is that the person probably doesn’t exist.

Now I’m not saying it’s beyond God’s power to create and present this person. I just have begun to give up considering my circumstances and my ever-increasing depression and negativity regarding my situation which only increases the odds against anything ever happening. Also I understand my situation is not a priority right now as Jah has bigger more universally important going on currently. However, by the time my situation moves off the backburner, who knows how old I’ll be (if I’m even alive) and meeting some of the items on my list will probably be even more challenging considering the women will likely still ‘be a large army’.

So I’m facing the ugly truth that I was born alone, grew up alone with few, if any, close friends, and will live until I die or otherwise more than likely in that same unaccompanied status. I welcome the insanity as I sink back into the world inside my mind that was my residence as an imaginative, lonely child. At least I know and am close to everyone who lives there, lol.