Tell 'Em Why You Mad

Hmm, maybe we'll start at the beginning...

I know I wasn't wanted. No biggie. They or she did what she was obligated to do like I'm doing since I sinned, then missed my abortion appointment due to lack of transportation and real friends who would support me even if they didn't agree and help me get transportation. Then there was the punk out when trying to do it at home. Don't know how drunk or high you have to be to successfully push a hanger or needle through... well you can figure it out.

Then the failed suicide attempt. Guess I only nicked the vein which is why I got light-headed from the blood loss but didn't die. Should've tried again that night on the other arm.

But I digress

Back to the beginning...

So why am I mad? Because I hate everything at this point. Don't know why I keep the other blog going. Don't know why I keep my business going. Don't know why I get out of bed ever. Pray every night not to wake up but do. Disappointing. Even took a handful of sleeping pills earlier this week. Still woke up the next day.

Don't even feel like finishing this post which I started back in July and am only typing some more on now in September...

Untitled

must stop loving you. so why don't i just do it?

too afraid i'll never love again. so i love you

even though it's unrequitted

even though it hurts sometimes

it lets me know i'm still alive

and maybe capable of doing more than simply existing

simply surviving.

reminds me of a time,

ever so briefly,

when i felt calm, at peace, safe to be me...in love.

don't like the person who claims to be me now.

what life and simply surviving for the past two decades all the while dreaming of a life that now seems it will never be lived

can't even dream anymore and feel like i need someone who remembers who i was when i did

but there isn't anyone that can